Been going through an existentialist crisis for three or so weeks now. I don’t know if I’m on a downswing (the bane of being bipolar!), or if my questions are valid: am I doing the things I’m supposed to be doing? Why don’t I seem to be going anywhere? If it’s an ego thing, will it still be an ego thing if I choose to let go—or will it be merely resignation and therefore a betrayal of my “purpose”? Do I even have a purpose—or is my purpose just to remain as mediocre as I feel I am? Who am I? Is there even an “I”? If the “I” is just the ego speaking, then it wouldn’t matter if the “I” is done away with, correct?
That kind of shit.
So this morning, after yet another long-winded and painful dialogue with D (extending our watching of Cowboys and Aliens to three hours), I woke up with this prayer:
Clear my head of thoughts that hinder me of Being.
Let me fulfill what I have to do in the mundane so the sublime will follow.
Help me accept with grace what I cannot change, and transform the things I can, into their fullest realization.
(…With a lot of peppering of my kids’ and loved ones names in between phrases…)
This I pray, in Jesus’ name.